Good poem, I like the theme.

I love the last line, it captures the mood perfectly. I also really loved the use of the asterisk (it reminds me very much of Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett, and your poem has that playful satirical ring to it as well). It slides in seamlessly, and gives it the feel of an entry in an encyclopedia.

One thing I'd suggest is maybe de-capitalise some of your lines since capitalisations break up the flow, and it feels as if some of the lines should flow into each other (e.g. lines 2 in both the second and third stanzas.) Also, I'm not sure why "8 is 10" is numerical, but "zero is one" is written.
One last thing- the ellipsis (...) is three dots.

one critique: bullet-proof vest, hyphenated.

--
Tots and Teens: The Children's Literature Contest --Amazing literature and amazing prizes!!

o.o
Thank you

--
_{the microphone shakes as i spit words at you}

Great theme! Themes are important, as well we all know. As yet another victim of this very idea, I can relate to it personally - especially when it comes to those last few lines. However, I feel that I am being bounced around through much of this - as if there is a slower, more powerful way to bring these images to the surface so that they are not lost in a whirlwind of sounds. Part of that feeling, I think, stems from wanting tangible facts and not simply an "agenda". It is difficult to instruct (teach) or inform (tell) when you are simultaneously trying to comment and persuade.

What is it, specifically, that the Industry is doing to women? What are the effects, beyond stomach-sucking-in (o! such a bad habit for me)? I like the focus on numbers here, but it gets lost in the alien bit and feels like it was never fully developed, forgotten for the statement you are trying to make at the end. In this, I am left wondering what I learned or noticed that I hadn't known or noticed before.

I like the footnote bit. Formatting is hard on dA, but I would suggest separate it from the stanza and, perhaps, printing it indented and in subscript just where it is.

--
`GeneratingHype thinks I have a problem with being nice.

Great theme! Themes are important, as well we all know. As yet another victim of this very idea, I can relate to it personally - especially when it comes to those last few lines. However, I feel that I am being bounced around through much of this - as if there is a slower, more powerful way to bring these images to the surface so that they are not lost in a whirlwind of sounds. Part of that feeling, I think, stems from wanting tangible facts and not simply an "agenda". It is difficult to instruct (teach) or inform (tell) when you are simultaneously trying to comment and persuade.

What is it, specifically, that the Industry is doing to women? What are the effects, beyond stomach-sucking-in (o! such a bad habit for me)? I like the focus on numbers here, but it gets lost in the alien bit and feels like it was never fully developed, forgotten for the statement you are trying to make at the end. In this, I am left wondering what I learned or noticed that I hadn't known or noticed before.

I like the footnote bit. Formatting is hard on dA, but I would suggest separate it from the stanza and, perhaps, printing it indented and in subscript just where it is.

--
`GeneratingHype thinks I have a problem with being nice.

Thanks so much

Now that I read it again, I can see what you mean about wandering from the initial 'numbers' concept and not really 'teaching' the audience anything new.

I'll most definatly keep this in mind in future submissions, and thanks for hosting such an interesting and different workshop: I know I've learnt something

--
_{the microphone shakes as i spit words at you}

Hello!

This piece has been added to the collection Nonfiction Poetry as it was a submission for the titled workshop.

Thank you

*Writers-Workshop